calling in closeness
musings for 27
Hi, hi, hi! It’s been a while. Life has gotten the better of me these past few months, which have felt like a bit of a gray slog of work and doctors appointments and just making it through. But I can feel the fog starting to lift, and a yearning in my soul to shift gears from survival mode back to - closeness, back to being alive!
Last week, I turned 27. This age, I’m happy to report, feels really right. Arriving at this birthday, I felt so grateful, very at home in my skin and the person I’m becoming — which is a welcome relief compared to other birthdays of this decade, many of which have arrived at tumultuous points where I’ve felt incredibly lost. In this year I am feeling very found, and like I am continuing the journey of finding myself.
I have really loved having a word for 2025: courage. It’s helped me take bold action in my life, moving towards what I want but where fear has too often stood at the gate (which, I’ve realized, is…an illusion. Fear is just us getting in our own way. This year I’ve been asking, what happens when we move beyond the threshold of fear?)
From traveling to Tanzania to following my crush on Instagram (horrifying) to re-doing my living room…this current of courage has churned through me in a way that has strengthened my life force, helped me get out of my own way, and show up more authentically. Courage guided me to a Buddhist meditation retreat and to cutting full-on bangs right as the summer humidity hits (courage or stupidity…hm) and even to come back to writing when I feel like I’ve got nothing to say. (The fear goes: who will want to read that?!)
Part of this has involved releasing perfectionism, handing over more trust to my intuition - following my impulses - and tipping the scales away from where they have historically sagged, lightening the load of relentless pressure and self-editing. In my 27th year, I’m going to try releasing perfectionism from this newsletter; to stop letting the paralyzing expectations of perfection keep me from writing or sending anything at all. (And if the result is rubbish, to use a beloved word used so liberally my British coworkers, well…I am sorry. But my hope is that perhaps it also frees you from the shackles of perfection and over-thinking, so we can put hopefully not rubbish, but perhaps some less-perfect but creatively alive things into the world!)
The fear goes: but if it’s not perfect, what about your subscribers?! What if they all leaveeee?!
To which I am replying, isn’t it better to keep putting something in the world, even if a bit imperfect, than letting The Fear keep you quiet? So: a less edited newsletter, more free-flowing, and we’re just going to see where it goes. Beyond the threshold of fear. If you stay with me on this journey, yay, thank you!!! I think we will discover new things together.
I wanted to anchor my 27th year in a word, because I loved that exercise for 2025 so much; and what I’ve landed on is closeness.
By this I mean a few things. Closeness means connection and intimacy: I want to feel near to the hearts of people I love. It also means nearness to the moment at hand, to the pulsing thrumming hum of life: I want to put my hand on its warm golden coat, feel its heartbeat, listen to its breathing. To stay near. Even if it feels difficult in moments, boring even, or lurching and sweaty and reallyintense, I want to stay: rather than abandoning or tuning out, by shutting down or opening up Instagram or any of the other ways we turn away, I want to turn towards. I want to remain open and see where it takes me. To stay close to the moment at hand, to the people I love, to my own heart, to the truth, to the beating core of the thing.
In the name of closesness, I am sprinkling in some recent bits of life: pictures, songs, snapshots!
You can’t tell me that listening to this song and walking around on a summers day doesn’t stir up joy in your heart. Impossibleee!
As my mom said on the phone the other day, it’s funny because - you can’t really have one without the other. Courage is in many ways a prerequisite for closeness: staying close and open-hearted is risky, it’s vulnerable; there’s more at stake; it opens you up to both more joy and more hurt. But I know that’s where I want to be. I want to keep practicing both, to feel it all, to let life wash over me like the ocean, to be immersed; even if I come out a bit breathless and raw, I will feel alive, enveloped, awake. It’s all around us.
Close. Towards. Together. <3
Beautiful, Eden✨✨ I’m so excited to see what your 27th year brings in