notes on emptiness

and shedding skins

my life lately has been creating a lot of spaciousness, it seems. that is a generous way of putting it? (but one that feels true.)

like my friend said in the park the other day, it feels as though a lot of “wells are drying up:” the nonprofit I work for is due to run out of funding at any moment (we just laid off a good chunk of our team, and I was honestly a little envious of their newfound freedom from what is becoming, from my POV, a bit of a sinking ship); I have dated myself silly this year in New York, to no avail (many many cocktails & text threads & situationships later, my love life still feels incredibly…vacant); I’m nearing the end of my physical therapy program (I think!) (for now!), hopefully freeing up some time and energy for new endeavors.

I’ve had some heartfelt and cleansing conversations with people I love, alchemizing stagnant dynamics into something fresh, and the energy around me feels clear and…like it’s emptying, emptying, getting ready (I think) for something new.

***

if life becomes empty then maybe with time and gravitational force, beautiful things will rush in to fill it.

I’ve been craving depth, the teeth-sinking-into-something feeling.

lots of babies have been staring at me lately, wide-eyed and chubby-cheeked, drooling, impossibly adorable, waving curled fingers.

do I…just need to have a baby…?!

I mostly tell myself to snap out of it, and partially a teeny tiny bit think it would be so ridiculous and miraculous to have one of those things. like a fun adventure. to give my life meaning and feel like, a sense of awe?

which obviously is totally the right reason to become a parent.

(but then again, what IS the right reason to become a parent?!)

(to munch up those drumstick thighs and sniff your baby’s head and be amazed every day at the novelty of it all?!)

***

I got my tarot cards read in the park today (cue Britney Spears’ give me a siiggggnnnn) and the three cards were about family (return to), creativity (unblocking), and work (specifically: toil) (too much of it).

we also pulled two bonus cards: a lioness of protection from the animal deck (“people feel safe in your presence, in your energy”), and a green gossip card from the chakra deck (“oh shoot,” said the card reader, blushing and shaking their head. “it’s not that you’re a gossip. it’s more like, as you come into your truth and shine your light, people might start offering their two cents.”) the color green symbolizes the heart chakra; I’m taking the card to mean: tuning into your own inner compass (following your heart!) while letting go of the gossip: the sea of external chatter, noise, opinions.

easier said than done, whew! but a worthy practice nonetheless.

***

speaking of chakras (we are re-immersing in the spiritual world!), I am finally reading the Tao Te Jing, courtesy of my all-wise and all-knowing little sister. what I’ve understood so far is that the Tao is the mother of the Universe, the flow of all things; it is darkness and I think it is emptiness, too. from emptiness, everything can be born. it’s the place from which worlds are made.

emptiness is also big in Buddhism. I think as in, an everything is connected way.

emptiness, I guess, is full of possibilities. maybe the question is — what will rush in?!

***

Taoism emphasizes receiving, softness, surrender; doing by nondoing. “when nothing is done, nothing is left undone.” I think Lao Tzu meant — don’t force it, y’all. let go of force, of resistance, of trying. soften, surrender, allow. the flow of life will carry you to where you need to go. (but even that’s not quite right…there’s nowhere we really need to go! the magic is in the journey. don’t worry too much about the rest.)

I am gonna try giving that a shot. wait — not try. I am going to gently, effortlessly allow that energy into my life. and practice letting go of the rest, again and again.

thanks for joining the ride <3

xo,

Eden

in the spirit of emptying and letting go, I chopped my hair this week. and it feels so freeeeeee (s/o the bathroom at Greenpoint Fish & Lobster Co. & look at that map! the whole world unfolding!)

p.s. in the spirit of unblocking my creative energy (s/o those tarot cards), and allowing the flow of life to rush in, I’m going to write more often (I hope), about whatever feels true and alive in the moment, without too much self-editing. I know I said that last time (and am probs the only one paying attention) but dang perfectionism can be paralyzing y’all. no more! we are softening and flowing, mmmmkay?

this week's scenes of life & color :)