the resume I'll never submit

but at least it's honest

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Last September, I quit my job to travel the world free of deadlines, Zoom calls, and the haunting pop-pop-pop! of Slack. It was amazing.

But alas, time has passed. My savings have dwindled. And so here I am again, face-to-face with the job hunt. This involves everyone’s favorite pastime: editing resumes and cover letters! In the spirit of procrastination, I wrote an *alternate* resume that hopefully never reaches the desk of a future employer. (And because if I don’t laugh, I’ll cry.)

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Eden Avery, a.k.a. ‘Edo,’ ‘Edes,’ or ‘Beebo’

Free-spirited twenty-something seeking employment to obtain a) money and b) a purpose in life. Hardworking, when the muse strikes. Occasionally witty. Occasionally funny. *Very* sensitive. Please do not give feedback, positive or otherwise. Will become emotional.

Education

• 1,200 hours spent studying skincare routines and home cooking techniques on TikTok

• 415 headlines briefly skimmed on New York Times app

• 12 Ted Talks watched while eating fistfuls of popcorn on the couch, feeling inspired

• All 7 Harry Potter books read cover-to-cover

Can browse headlines and rock a leotard. Excellent multitasker

Experience 

• Wrote, produced, and edited 8 music videos from 2008-2011, to songs including You Belong With Me, California Girls, and Low (Apple Bottom Jeans)

• Scored two goals on my 5th grade soccer team*

• Supervised the Splash Park as a Junior Lifeguard; many lives were definitely saved

• Played role of ‘Gabriela’ in 2nd grade rendition of High School Musical**

• PADI-certified scuba diver (not exactly relevant, but seems cool and worldly?)

Skills

• Karaoke (after a few drinks)

• Cutting my own bangs

• Pretty good British accent

• Making the perfect boxed mac n’ cheese

• Can also make very good scrambled eggs

• Picking up objects with my toes

• Cartwheels

Strengths

• Rocking a pair of clogs

• Falling asleep during movies

• Frolicking

Weaknesses

• The Hemsworth brothers

• Arm wrestling

• Trader Joe’s peanut butter chocolate cups

Thank you very much for your consideration! As you can hopefully tell by now, I am clearly the girl for the job. However, please don’t actually give me the job, because despite really wanting it, I am actually not emotionally ready for Adult Responsibilities. Would prefer to frolic indefinitely.

Yours,

Beebo ❤️

*unfortunately, for our competitors

**this is my proudest achievement to date

Xoxo, your fave frolicker