why I'm grateful for FOMO

+ how to reframe when it visits

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One Thanksgiving, it fluttered down like leaves in the wind: a craving, a longing, an ache to be with my friends, right now! I imagined them laughing, spilling drinks, shouting to be heard above the music: making lifelong, drunken memories. Without me.

My desire to teleport escaped as a groan as I flopped on the couch and announced to my mom: “Ugh. I have FOMO.”

And then, popping up from behind my phone: “Woah! I have FOMO!”

The pesky, familiar feeling had disappeared from my life for a whole entire year. I had known it well, a distracted pang in your chest that goes: What if they’re having the Best Night Ever?! What inside jokes are we missing? What life-changing conversations could I be having? I can’t believe I’m not thereeee!

I was introduced to FOMO when I missed my best friend’s 6th birthday. We got closer over the years, like when I was sick in bed for my middle school crush’s pool party, or each time I scrolled past a video of my friends dancing at a concert. But this year, FOMO and I had suddenly, without warning, become strangers.

I didn’t see the split coming. We probably grew distant for a handful of reasons, but I think the biggest is that there was someone else.

Her name was Depression. The year we met, she wedged herself firmly between FOMO and myself. She would urge us to stay home, convincing us that there was no fun to be had out in the world. As Depression and I grew closer together, FOMO and I grew further apart. 

It was not the healthiest of relationships. Depression and I dreaded the weekends. Faced with the blank slates of Saturday and Sunday, we scratched our heads at how to occupy our time. Nothing sounded very appealing. We did not particularly enjoy hanging out with other people. And so we retreated, shrugging off dates and group dinners and nights out. Sometimes, we would go for hikes in the woods, the company of trees not expecting anything of us. We could be silent together.

Illustration by Liubov Dronova

If my friends hung out without me, instead of feeling FOMO, I felt relief. I knew I wasn’t up to the task of joking, or trying on clothes, or coming up with witty responses on our dating apps. My friends wanted to talk about Fun Things, like who was headlining the next music festival, or which art gallery was selling discounted tickets this weekend, or which couple was winning Love Island. My brain was stuck on the Sad Channel. I could only talk about Sad Things, like the ultimate meaningless of life, etc. And so I stayed home.

I didn’t miss being out one bit.

The thing is, when FOMO disappeared, joy did too.

It was as if all the happy parts of me evaporated. Depression and I were a terrible time on a Friday night. But we also had a terrible time doing pretty much everything else.

The parts of my day that used to glow warm with joy went stone cold. I would slurp Thai curry, walk outside to look at wildflowers, watch Queer Eye curled up with my sister, read my favorite book, downward-dog in yoga class, and…nothing. Crickets.

I had no idea how to coax joy out from her hiding place.

Depression stayed.

As she hung around longer and longer, I started to worry that I’d never feel joy again — and, though I didn’t think of it at the time, that I’d never feel FOMO again, either.

That scared me. And fear is a great motivator. So I summoned my strength to banish Depression once and for all.

First, I asked nicely: I started a gratitude journal. I downloaded a meditation app. I took morning walks. Depression sighed, rolled her eyes, flopped on my bed and said: is that all you’ve got?

I shook my head, pulled out my phone, and scheduled some business meetings with my therapist. We agreed that a prescription would help shoo her out once and for all. Sorry, Depression! Shove. I mean it this time!

Gradually, it worked: I started catching glimmers of joy here and there, fluttering in the wind. And then, all of a sudden, it hit me.

I was celebrating Thanksgiving with my family in Portland, while texting my friends who were at a party at home. As I asked them how it was, I felt it in my chest: FOMO, asking shyly if I still recognized him. 

And I did. I ached to be with my friends. Doing things. I didn’t want to curl up in bed anymore! I wanted to be there!

FOMO asked: Will you take me back?

I said: Of course, you little rascal.

I never thought FOMO could feel like sunshine. But that night, he really did.

With the return of FOMO came the return of joy. In their company, I started saying yes!!! to invitations. Once again, I enjoyed nights out and dancing and late conversations over bottles of wine and Experiencing The World! I even took interest in Love Island (well…kind of). 

Illustration by Liubov Dronova

Now when I feel FOMO, I offer it my sincerest thanks. (What are the odds that we reunited on Thanksgiving?! I am taking the coincidence as more evidence that the Universe has a sense of humor.)

I’m grateful for FOMO because its presence means I’m energized and engaged. In some ways, like joy, FOMO is a vital sign for my mental health.

To keep our relationship healthy, I have been practicing two things:

• When I see something FOMO-inducing, I send love in that direction: e.g. congratulating that person, texting them I’m thinking of them, etc. This helps replace jealous feelings with loving ones.

• Stay with me, but the Buddhist insight of interbeing is also really helpful! It posits that the our view of the Self as a separate entity is merely an illusion of the ego, and that really, we are all each other: you, me, the clouds, the flowers, the stars. It might seem silly, but this insight helps me be happy for anyone experiencing an Awesome Thing because if we are all each other, then really, it’s like we are all experiencing that Awesome Thing, together.

Today, I am good friends with FOMO and JOMO. The Joy Of Missing Out, of cozying up and pulling up the covers and announcing to the world: I am staying IN!, is one of the most soul-satisfying joys I know.

Depression and I also used to stay home and bunch up the covers around us. But that felt very, very different. Touched by joy, the choice to stay home is that — a choice — and feels so light and luxurious and good.

Today, FOMO hangs around. Joy is everywhere. And it is so good to have them back.

Love always,

Eden

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What else is on…

• I just wanted to say thank you for giving me space to share these stories! Sharing our inner worlds can feel scary but offers so much healing and growth for both storyteller and listener. Life is messy, but we never have to go it alone.

• I’m currently reading Know My Name, Chanel Miller’s memoir. Among being an incredible artist, she was also the plaintiff in the 2016 People v. Turner sexual assault case. Her book is mesmerizing. Here’s a quote I particularly loved:

“You have to hold out to see how your life unfolds, because it is most likely beyond what you can imagine. It is not a question of if you will survive this, but what beautiful things await you when you do…good and bad things come from the universe holding hands. Wait for the good to come.”

• I’m interviewing one of my favorite artists ever for this newsletter in the next few weeks and y’all will love her because she is, like, impossible not to love. Keep an eye out! Ok byeee!